"excuse me do you speak english?"

that's usually the first sentence that I learn when traveling to a foreign country... and in the past I have found it extremely helpful, especially in places like france where there answer is oui, bien sur, mais, je ne veu pas, et depuis vous etre dans mon pais, c'est le bonne chance por vous si vous apprenis le france parsque si no je ne vous ede'... which roughly translates to..."of course, but I don't want to... and since your in my country, your only hope is if you learn french because if not you're on your own." (ended with a victorious laugh) or in England... where there response is even less understandable... but in Thailand, well there's no need to learn that seemingly paramount question...

why? you ask... because it's easier to just learn the whole language... which as far as i can assertain consists of 5 words that when said in certain combinations with certain intonations creates a dictionary roughly 4 times that of the english language...

the words are kab, krab, koon, mai, chai

a typical conversation goes like this...

person 1- "kab"
person 2 - "kab"
person 1 - "kab koon krab?"
person 2 - "chai, kab koon krab?"
person 1 - "kab kab koon koon"
person 2 - "mai"
person 1 - "mai chai"
person 2 - "chai chai"
preson 1 - "chai mai"
person 2 -"chai chai"
person 1 -"mai chai"
person 2 - "kab koon krab"
person 1 -"krab koon krab"

translation...
hello
"hello"
"how are you?"
"good, how are you?"
"so, so"
"really?"
"no, not really I was just kidding"
"oh, you are such a pain in the ass, what am I going to do with you"
"well I guess you could take me to dinner while you're thinking about it, i know a great japanese place just around the corner"...
"that's sounds great, do you mind if I call my brother and tell him to join us, we were going to watch American idol together, but I'll just tell him to Tivo it"...
"okay let's go"

just this afternoon I had an amazing conversation with a man on the street about the fledging economy and what we each thought the next few years was going to hold...

i totally agreed with him until he was like... "Kab, kab, koon, mai chai, krab"... I mean I'm pretty open minded but I just don't think Brad is ever going to get back together with Jennifer

this is of course is accompanied by the polite bow of respect used when talking to anyone older than you, younger than you, anyone that you've known since you were a child or less than 3 hours, and from what i can tell anyone that is wearing anything blue, from the waist up...

well that's about it and just in time... my favorite Thai soap is on in 10 minutes... I just can't wait to see what happens between Mai and Chai... personally I kind of hope they get caught...